I do not remember a time when I could honestly say, I am pleased and at rest at where God has me. A gnawing ache inside of me, a dissatisfaction for holding my end of this bargain with my Creator is in the forefront of my mind. I outwardly espouse tranquility, but inwardly, I know it is a facade so others will not know the truth. To you I am confessing, it is this continual drive to fulfill a self-inflicted timetable, my secret agenda of things to do. Those I encounter are placed on the list. Its how I must manage my life, and sadly it includes those I am closest to. The more I wrangle with finding this space for inner-peace and rest, the less I am finding time for it. As I take my own professional advice and put on the brakes, my anxious thoughts increase within me. I look in the mirror and see the lines on my face appear, life is passing so quickly. Surely by now things would level off, and there would be more time. I make plans for a week, a weekend, a day, just an hour, no, even a moment that I can release the bombardments of my agenda and these shoulds….
I should be spending time in study
I should be having quality moments dedicated to just my spouse….
I should be cultivating my close friendships….
I should be eating healthy….
I should be exercising more….
I should be writing an hour a day….
I should be reading a book a week….
I should make the day better for someone else….
Apostle Paul says life is a race, we are to press for the mark, looking toward the finish, which I assume is the proverbial porch rocker when my body and brain say “no more”. Obviously, in spreading Christianity, Paul felt the pressure to keep ministering to those he met along the way in the face of true opposition, the Christian faith’s spread to the Gentile world rested on his shoulders. Now, that is an agenda. My small corner pales in comparison, but I still feel its weight. I would like to think a noble motive fuels my productivity. I am often asked, “How do you get so much done?” I am not sure myself, and wonder why I cram so much into a day. Yet, I intend to take time to come apart so that I might fight another day.
A new friend said with insightful acuity, “Denise, you have a great deal of anxiety.” I smile at these words. They have no idea. You see, I should be culling out some moments to be quiet….
Shine your unique light today.